A little over a month ago I found out my grandmother had passed away. I had already been struggling, my depression had been bothering me more than usual. When I got the news I was devastated.

I had lost a few pets and my great-grandfather when I was growing up. However this loss seemed to hit me so hard that I couldn’t see straight. There were times when I couldn’t stop crying, and other times when I simply didn’t have any tears left.

My grandmother had been such a big part of my life. When I lived up in Oregon I took a train by myself down to see her just to spend some one-on-one time with her and my grandfather. There were so many wonderful times that I got to spend with her, and it is so hard to believe she was gone. She had been a pillar in my family, so vibrant and optimistic. There was so much that I loved about her and when I lost her there were so many regrets. Regrets that I hadn’t gotten to spend more time with her. Or that I didn’t call her as much as I should have. Last summer I was making plans to go visit her, but because of my Japan trip in early spring of this year I postponed it. At the moment I was just thinking “there will always be more time later”; while I grieved however I just realized how that was just an excuse because I just assumed she would always be around.

Grief shakes you up so badly you can’t see straight. I found myself being so hard on myself I almost didn’t want to keep going on. The pain just hurt so much the idea of continuing to feel that pain seemed unbearable. I broke down one night on the bathroom floor, my mom sat with me while I cried, sobbed and told her everything on my mind. That was probably a moment where I scared my mom the most. However I couldn’t be more grateful for her being there to just hold my hand and listen.

At the moment the pain comes and goes, and I find myself sad at random moments that don’t always make sense. I find myself avoiding certain movies just to protect myself (ie. Moana and Coco — if you’ve seen either you know why). I have also spent a lot of time near those who support me – my mom being a huge support during this time. I am also incredibly grateful towards my friends, both my best friend who I got to visit earlier this month and my work-friends who checked on me everyday of my leave.

I will write more on this subject as it comes to me, at the moment I will leave it here for now. Getting even this much off my chest makes things a little easier to bear; at least for today.

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.” — Winnie-the-Pooh – A.A.Milne

–Brianna