** This particular blog post was supposed to go out in November 2018 when I originally wrote it. However due to its sensitive nature and some hope I held out that things would change I didn’t post it. Recent events have prompted me to pull the proverbial trigger and post it. Since it is unedited some of the events referenced occurred almost 6 months ago. But I felt it was important to leave them in. As always. Thank you for reading. **

The last few weeks have been crazy to say the least. Started my new position at work and haven’t stopped moving. When I haven’t been working I have been spending time with my amazing boyfriend, wonderful family and also… sleeping. I dealt with a round of the flu, and then a bout of really bad food poisoning as well. Needless to say the last few weeks have been jam packed.

There have been trials along the way, and things I have kept quiet on for the most part. I started and finished Inktober. But despite my best intentions have still not started NanoWrimo.

Even as I sit here writing this blog post I find it difficult to express what has been going on in my head lately. I go out of my way to be supportive of everyone I am close to. I try not to focus on myself, and instead focus on others. Only when I am going through a difficult time that I know I can’t make it out of on my own do I finally – eventually – reach out. From someone who suffers in silence ninety percent of the time I can tell you it takes a lot to reach out. I would much rather be the person taking care of everyone else, rather then having others take care of me. Though the longer I suffer with my anxiety and depression I realize that it’s not always possible to bear the burden alone. That I have to ask for help. If I don’t ask or reach out, I am only asking for more problems. I have been in the place once where I didn’t want to continue going on – I don’t want to be in that place again.

With that being said, it is unbelievably difficult to have someone who you thought understood you assume you want to be in that place. That you want to suffer and battle with the thoughts in your head. This is not a battle I chose, it’s one that I have to fight every single day in order to remain on this earth. Some times there is a lull in the battle – one day or more of rest; times when I can breathe and relax again. Other times that battle rages on for days, sometimes weeks at a time. It’s in these bad times, that my world is the darkest. When the world is that dark, you can’t just flip a switch and everything magically rights itself. There is no “fixing” it. It’s not something that can be “cured”.

I am open and honest about things I have tried to “fix” the broken parts of myself. I have taken medication, gone to therapy, tried essential oils, vitamins, meditation, distraction techniques, and so many more. Sometimes these things work, other times I am not so lucky. Regardless of the outcome I keep trying – every day – to persevere.

Starting a new job is a stressful endeavor on it’s own without adding anxiety and depression into the mix. When you want to impress all the new people you work for and with… it’s hard living up to those high expectations that I have built for myself. And the one time I needed someone to listen – to be excited for me – the way I had always been excited for them…. I was let down. This isn’t exactly a “new” experience for me… people in my life from time to time have found new ways to let me down. They pretend to care but in the end, they end up being the most self-centered. And I – being the caring person that I am – get sucked in too close and I get burned for it. Yet, through all the let downs, I never close myself off to new people or experiences. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean they hurt any less.

I should have seen the “warning signs” I suppose. I supported everything they did whole-heartedly. I was their cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, and support system. I backed up their entrepreneurial endeavors, helped spread the word on things they worked on that were important to them, offered a listening ear when they needed to vent, and was always there for them when they needed me. I honestly could keep going on…. but I think you get the idea. However looking back now I can see that things weren’t reciprocated for me the same way:

I started this blog and they couldn’t even take the time to take even a small interest in it. I found a man that I love and care for more than almost anyone on this Earth and they couldn’t truly express happiness for me. I got my promotion, and received little support in the ways of boosting my confidence when I had moments of weakness. And there were smaller moments all in between. Days of silence, or a focus solely on themselves during conversations. Snide remarks made and the feeling that every time something was wrong with me and I expressed it, that I was some kind of bother.

Maybe I sound selfish, maybe I am venting just to… vent. I don’t know. Some things that people say, just can’t be unsaid. I think that’s more of what this is about. Getting this weight off my chest, this feeling that I can’t express who I am without disappointing or frustrating the people around me. It’s amazing the power one person’s words hold over you. The way they make you feel leaves this lasting impression that is sometimes so difficult to shake. More so than the words of a complete stranger, but someone you trusted secrets and fears to; using those to leverage against you to make you feel…. inadequate.

Please be kind to others in your words, because once it’s said you can’t take it back. When you tell someone that they have no desire to move out of the place they are in when they are battling depression and anxiety on a daily basis – you have no idea how that feels. How deep those words cut, when every day I want to move out of this bad place. I start fighting every morning just to get out of bed, get dressed, eat something, go to work, remain at work for my whole shift, and then I can finally breathe a little when I return home. I fight Every. Damn. Day. just to get through each minute, each hour. So you have no idea how unbelievably hurtful it is to have someone suggest otherwise. To have someone suggest you aren’t trying.

Just writing this is painful, like a knife twisting in my back. A painful reminder of what I have been bottling up for weeks.

Despite all this pain I am grateful to those friends who support and believe in me. To my fantastic boyfriend who has been my shoulder to cry on more than once, shared his strength with me, listened to me talk to him about my feelings, and does his best to comfort me. To my family – especially my mom – who has sat and let me cry on her shoulder. Who has helped me with my laundry, or prepping my lunches for work when menial jobs are too much to handle. I am grateful to still be breathing, to look forward to the future that is ahead. I won’t give up. I will keep going. I will keep looking forward.

-Brianna