With Mother’s Day fast approaching I’ve found myself thinking more and more about my grandma and how much I miss her. I didn’t expect holidays to hit me so hard after she passed away.

Thanksgiving was painful, though it was made easier by my family and boyfriend. However when Christmas rolled around it hit me hard. I cried so much over the holiday. Christmas dinner included one of her recipes for sweet potatoes. They had smelled so good when my Mom was cooking them. The moment I took a bite though I just dissolved into tears. I never thought just tasting something my grandma used to make would tear me up inside.

New Years and Valentines were easier to deal with. However when Easter rolled around I was sucker punched by the grief again. It hurt so bad I couldn’t even talk to my grandpa on the phone because I didn’t want to start crying. I feel somewhat guilty for that but sometimes it feels like I’m barely holding myself together when it comes to this pain. Struggling with it coupled with my depression and anxiety…. it’s been a rough time. Now with Mother’s Day right around the corner the grief keeps swirling back.

Going into the stores and shopping my own mom; there are references to grandma’s on cards, mugs, decorative home items, and jewelry. The reminders that my own grandma is no longer around are almost enough to break me into a million pieces. Some days are easier than others, though right now it’s not one of those days. I keep hoping that it will get easier as time goes by and sometimes that’s all I have to get me to the next day.

It helps to have the support of my family and boyfriend as I go through all of this. I try to stay busy so as not to dwell on the sadness too much. Luckily there’s two birthdays over the next week to celebrate. There is also Mother’s Day, where I can spoil my mom who has been my rock and anchor whenever I need her. Needless to say it will be an interesting weekend… I’ll be lucky to get through it without some tears.

I’ll end this post with a few quotes I’ve found recently.

“Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.” ~Anonymous

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” ~Washington Irving

“Remember me with smiles and laughter, for that is how I will remember you all. If you can only remember me with tears, then don’t remember me at all.” ~Laura Ingles Wilder

“Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us everyday.” ~Unknown