Today will be the first year without a lot of loved ones we’ve lost. And the 2nd / 3rd without others that hold just as much of a special place in our thoughts and minds.

Its hard to go about life wishing everyone a “merry” christmas when you don’t feel merry. I know we aren’t supposed to be sad when we think of our loved ones this time of year. For some reason the general consensus is that we should be happy they are at peace or are no longer in pain. But this is one of those moments where I feel selfish. I want them back. I want to talk to them one more time, hold them one more time, and be with them one more time.

I suffer from depression as many of you have read – whether through my blog, or various social media posts. And the hardest part of these moments of feeling this pain – is feeling like I’ve lost them all over again. One moment I can close my eyes and feel them with me. Then I open my eyes and they are gone again; which just brings that wave of crushing loss.

I know I should be grateful for the things and people I have in my life. But there are still moments I feel things have been stolen from me. Things I can never have back. The trouble with depression during these moments is things feel hopeless. There’s darkness everywhere and no happiness to be found. So I’m left feeling like just sitting in a corner and crying – all the time. A heaviness lays in my chest whenever those moments happen that just weighs me down.

It become almost impossible to feel like this season offers any joy. I am – and always have been – a ‘giver’; which makes it extremely difficult because I feel like I have nothing left to give.

This has turned into a much sadder post then I had planned. But I feel as Christmas creeps closer it needed to be said. That for your friends and family who have suffered this year. Whether losses in their families –

or because they deal with depression, anxiety or some other mental illness.

Its important to remember during this time

of year.

It’s still okay to not be okay.

Its okay to not feel “merry”.

And it’s okay to reach out for help.

Sending love and healing to everyone struggling this holiday season.

-Brianna