So I keep meaning to write updates that make some iota of sense. But at the moment it’s just not feasible.

I have been struggling a lot with my depression and anxiety lately. Since the terrible cold I battled from November – January I just havent been myself. Dealing with the trials of post-Covid from July -October was hard enough. Then the cold I got knocked me back to square 1. I went from having energy back to having none. I went from having my senses of taste and smell ’mostly’ back to losing them again.

I love olives, have for years. But since this last cold I battled. They taste rotten to me. Foods I’ve loved for years just don’t taste the same. I will smell things that aren’t there. Or the smells will be completely different from what they should be.

Everyone keeps saying -still- on social media how COVID-19 is still some kind of hoax. Which I honestly can’t understand how people still think that. I was so sick for months and I am still suffering the long term effects of COVID. My body isn’t the same, I can’t do the things I used to do with ease. I had to explain to my fiancé just how exhausted I am. We live on a third floor apartment. And trying to recover and having zero energy – I had to break it down. Like imagine you walk down to the first floor. But now you have to walk back up. Unfortunately you don’t have the energy to and probably won’t the rest of the day. So you just resign to making yourself comfortable on the first floor stairs and hopefully later you have the energy.

That is my current struggle.

The feeling of being completely inadequate when it comes to taking care of myself is taking its toll as well.

Add to that the worst cycle of depression I’ve had in awhile. Along with a huge bout of anxiety triggered panic attacks and I’m just mentally done. I’m at the stage of my depression where I don’t even want to get out of bed. I don’t want to go to work (even though I am working from home). Even things as simple as eating or taking a shower I just can’t do it. Physically, mentally, emotionally I cant do it. And it kills me to say that because I’m 30 years old and shouldn’t need someone to give me round the clock care. Or someone to be on suicide watch because I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to suffer anymore.

Work is a struggle everyday. My post-Covid brain fog is atrocious and sometimes I can’t remember the simplest things I’ve been doing for ages. And that brain fog permeates every facet of my life.

Fending off anxiety attacks and panic attacks eat any lingering energy I have. And leave me thinking I am a loser. I don’t have my shit together. I don’t have any ducks in a row. I feel hopeless.

So that’s where I am. Barely coping. Barely hanging in there. Taking it all day by day but still feeling like I am ultimately fighting an uphill battle I just don’t have the energy for.

There are things I want to do. Or rather wanted to do and I just can’t do them. I should be okay with that and maybe in time I will be. But for now I’m barely holding it together.

I am here. Coping.

I hope everyone stays safe and healthy.

-Brianna