So it’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. Between work, my personal life, and my mental state I have been busy to say the least.

Mentally I’ve struggled a lot the last few weeks. My anxiety has been so bad that I feel claustrophobic in my own room. So I’ve been camping out in the family room. On top of that my depression has been especially difficult to deal with as well. I have these moments of just feeling incredibly down… or “blue” as I -fondly- reference it. Both combined have had me on an emotional roller coaster of sorts. It hasn’t been easy to deal with. Each day has brought its own challenges and struggles. And some days some of my solutions work, but the very next day none of them will. It’s like a constant game of “catch up” and I never feel like I “catch up”.

Through it all my boyfriend has been a huge support. The anxiety as some of you may know can make you… paranoid? Not sure that’s the correct term. But it’s like this worry that eventually you’ll end up alone. No friends, no family, nothing – because eventually everyone will get tired of dealing with you. Every day my boyfriend proves those worries wrong and I couldn’t be more grateful. It’s not often you stumble across someone in life who makes you feel comfortable in your own skin but I’m happy to say he does.

My mom has also been a lifesaver. She has spent time with me, making sure I’m not alone when I’m feeling my worst. She will stay up and watch movies with me; helped me find an air mattress so I didn’t have to sleep on the couch. She has mostly just been there for me, in small ways that i wouldn’t even think would help but they do. I know not everyone has their mom around, or has a great relationship with their mom. So I am grateful for mine. When I’m crying my eyes out she is always there to tell me it’s always going to be okay. Which is especially important when you don’t think it’s going to be okay at all.

I am also grateful for my sister, my kitties, and my friends who are all there for me as well. Having a support system like I do gives me a reason to keep fighting everyday… even when I don’t feel like I can anymore.

Needless to say, all this battling has left me tired. The anxiety/depression combo have given me migraines and insomnia as well. I often fall asleep when watching quiet movies with my mom – it’s a lot better then letting my overactive mind think too much when I’m trying to sleep.

I had one good day on Friday… to the point where I thought I was in the clear. My depression/anxiety was nearly gone, I was almost ready to just sleep in my room again. But Saturday morning my anxiety was back with a vengeance. Which was disappointing because Saturday’s are my dates with my boyfriend. I managed to calm my anxiety down for some of the early afternoon but it came roaring back again. Depression hit while he and I watched a movie (Wonder Woman – the end always gets me emotional). And by the time he was leaving I was in tears; and remained that way the rest of the night.

Last night my old chest muscle injury acted up bad, and I maybe got two hours of sleep. And today has been a roller coaster… So I decided to sit down and write a little. I hope all of this makes some sense, just one of those instances where I needed to get things out of my head.

I’m still fighting. I’m still hanging in there.

Just wish it wasn’t such a struggle.