I am never really quite sure ‘why’ the depression hits when it does. Sometimes it makes sense: a bad week at work, conflict in relationships/family, the weather, or even the time of year. All of those are perfectly acceptable moments to feel depressed. They make sense. The ‘why’ is easily located and sometimes you know how to deal with it. Whether its a good cry, a sad movie, comfort food or even just cuddles with my cat – I can easily find ways to cope.

Right now, I am blue for no reason. I just woke up and wanted to cry. No trigger, just wanted to. Which then led to me feeling spontaneously sad all day long. This started yesterday – and today, which is day 2, I still want to just curl up and cry. I know it’s not just ‘sadness’ and it’s depression flaring up because I also don’t want to do anything. All the things that would normally make me happy – I find no joy in. I just want to sleep I am so tired, no interest in doing anything, food doesn’t even sound good, and just overall drained.

I was reading an ARC for a book and I literally had to put it down because even though it was super spicy – the other parts of the story dealt with cancer in a family member. And I was just in tears. (Yes there was a warning for the book before I read it, but honestly that stuff doesn’t usually bother me… this week it does.)

Trying to explain ‘why’ I am depressed to people who don’t understand depression is also super difficult. It might be like trying to describe color to someone who is blind/color blind. I’ve spent the last… 15-20 years trying to figure out the ‘why’ and it really sucks I still can’t find it. It’s a common theme in therapy – along with ‘why do it panic for no reason’.

I won’t make this too long, since this is mostly introspective and a way to safely talk this out. So maybe if someone is having a hard day, they might stumble across this and know they aren’t alone. I know the chances of that are probably extremely slim, but there’s at least a 1% chance.

At some point I hope I will find a way to help my brain cope better with the depression and the anxiety. Maybe some new medication or just more therapy. Until then, if you’re reading this and struggling…. just know you are not alone. I’ve been in some really shitty, dark places mentally and emotionally. I have a love/hate relationship with the quote, “So far you have survived 100% of your worst days. You’re doing great!” — On one hand, its encouraging – on the other hand the pessimist in my brain goes “Yea and the hits just keep on coming.”

Instead of that quote I will end this with two other quotes I found that I like better. Please know you are not alone. It’s okay to not be okay.